It's hard to face the world alone, we may have people who we love and who love us around, but that doesn't mean we're not alone. It's hard to find someone who gets you, who understands why you do the things you do. It's hard to feel truly accepted by the people you want so desperately to accept you and let you in. When we say goodbye we don't actually think it's goodbye, so we throw that moment away. We say I love you, but don't mean it. We just think that it's what they want to hear and that it doesn't really mean much. But then, when everything is right, when the feelings there, how do we say I love you, if the millions of times you've said it, it's meant nothing. How do we convince that one person those three words are true, if you don't really believe in those words. So life is hard, yes, but if you want to feel accepted, if you want to belong, be brave, live. Live for those moments, live for those chances you let slip by, people say take chances, live with no regret, but that's not always the case, but that's alright, letting chances slip by makes you human. And that right there, being brave and living, being brave and letting those chances slip by, that truly makes you belong.
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If my pets suddenly talked, i'd feel like Dr DoLittle. I'd be happy, due to the fact i can finally understand why they do the things they do. I would tell close friends, and if they didn't believe me it's there problem. But i wouldn't broadcast it to the world, because i'd feel priviladged to be able to be given this gift.
I'd be happy for the company and even when i'm on my own, i would never truely be alone now would i?
Hmmmm. Difficult question. Depends when i was 12. Just working it out. 2006.
Year 8. Pffft. I'd be too involved in my own issues. I'd probably be happy actually, considering, if i'm not mistaken the whole claire, my dad, my brother ... well everything had happened, my mums breakdown etc.. it was all happening or happened. So i would be happy that i was strong enough to get through it, and to be honest, i may feel inasely lonely because i don't or haven't had someone who loved me back.. (boyfriend) in ages... i would look at the friends i have, and the new ones i'm making and realise i'm not as alone as i think. :).
My favourite song of all time is The Calling - Wherever you will go.
Because it has so many meanings behind it. Its just about worrying about losing someone, and hoping they'll be okay once you've gone. And it means everything to me because when my parents broke up, it kept me going, when i listened to that song i knew my father wouldn't be far away from me..
Now, any song that has something about the girl being hot, or sexy is just not a good love song. Love songs are about the emotional feelings you have for one another.
Lately i guess things have caught up with me.
I turned 16 yesterday.. (well technically 2 days ago now as its 20 past midnight)
Anyway, i realised my love life has been non exsistant. I've been in love, yes, with more people then i actually admit. I know the difference between love and lust believe me. Love hurts more then Lust can. And i have never been loved back, not because they couldn't love me, but because i didn't give them a chance to even try. And that longing feeling of wanting to be wanted and needed and longed for. It's taken it's toll on me to the point where i feel empty all the time.
Sure i have moments when i'm laughing and smiling, and i love these moments, with my friends, with my family. But at the end of the day i have to come home, go to my bedroom and sit alone. And thats when the thoughts and the feeling of emptiness comes rushing back. And i feel dead inside. I feel so much, too much. And i know this sounds stupid but all these feelings i feel are making me numb and empty.
And now everything links back to this feeling. I hear a lovesong, (21st Century Hello!) and it makes me break down in tears because i'd love to be able to relate to it. Or i see a picture or a couple, two people happy together and it makes me sick, and i'm jealous of everyone of my friends, because they've all been in love. They've all taken that chance. And i try and make myself the better one. I make myself all egotistical. Make myself seem better then them all. And i know they realise how big headed i seem. But the truth is i don't want to fall to pieces. I don't want to admit that i feel like nothing anymore.
I even had a conversation with my Nana saying how proud she is of me. Because i write poems, she says i can think of something and write it into poems. And i looked back on my poems and realised how long i have been feeling empty. All my poems are by a girl who's too afriad to take a chance, and reading my poems are like reading my diary. The feelings i had when i wrote them came crashing back, that night i cried myself to sleep. Because i feel stupid, pathetic and numb... But i'm going to keep smiling, because what else do i have left? I mean people who know me probably think i'm being stupid and complaining. Well i hope you think that. I hope you think my smiles are real. Because least that way i know my 'mask' is working. So yes linking back to the song i'm listening to. I am tied together with a smile. If i don't have a smile on my face. What do i have?